Understanding Family
I spent time with my aunt and uncle and their grandchildren yesterday. Saw one of my cousins and his wife.
Family relationships are such an alien concept to me. Close relationships like that are so unfamiliar. I think I've only experienced one relationship ever like that in my life, with my ex husband.
The boys were arguing, testing each other. A shove here, a "fart face" there. 9 and 10 year olds. Their younger cousins nearby, the baby and the younger boy. The sweetest, most gentle boy. So young, already so giving and kind.
At dinner, the 9 year old is mad and in his feelings because his older brother popped his balloon on the way to dinner. He thinks he did it on purpose. He's at the table, not talking, doesn't want to eat dinner. Squished up in his chair, grasping his knees in tightly, holding himself close. I asked if he wanted to play Connect Four with me, a big one standing near the musician playing covers with his acoustic guitar. He immediately lit up.
It was so...fulfilling watching him interact, laughing and not caring what the rules are. "Can we make a checkerboard??" The bottom kept falling out and the pieces kept dropping out in the middle of everything. You could see the split second where he looks to me for my reaction, to see if he should be upset or frustrated. All I could do is laugh, and he was delighted. I saw the genuine interaction of a child wanting to play and engage with the adults. We threw fake axes at a plastic target, and a stranger nearby bet the kid he couldn't get a bullseye. My second (?) cousin walked away with $50, so completely tickled at the outcome. I think that's a night he'll remember for a long time. I hope so. I'll remember it.
It got me thinking, as we headed back to my aunt and uncles house with the boys, how different our lives are. I can't remember a single time where I was out like that, with family, and an adult took time to engage with me, play with me like that. I can't remember a single time when my mom, or dad, or step parents interacted with me on that level. At all. Is it a lapse in memory? The black hole that doesn't serve up anything but glimpses of things that happened prior to middle school?
What sort of impact does that have on a kid? Someone who doesn't get those moments to check for the adult's reaction. Doesn't interact with people out in the world? Doesn't have a chance to play without restraints and just have fun and be weird? No sibling to banter with, pick on, and then cuddle on the couch with later? No parent or grandparent to tell that that it's okay to be upset about the balloon, or that they did a really good thing by thanking the stranger for their cash prize on the way out again, without prompting?
Who does that child grow up to be?
Do they grow up guarded and untrusting? Unable to relax in relationships and friendships, yet constantly seeking for validation and understanding from the people around them? Independent and unwilling to ask for help, show vulnerability? Do they struggle to make friends? Struggle to trust themselves? Do they give everything they have to the people they care about, even when they receive nothing in return? Is that how I became who I am?
As I get older, engage with friends and family and their children more...I keep seeing these interactions and I get struck by the kindness and intimacy of them over and over.
I think: Is this what family is supposed to be? What an absolutely wonderful thing, that there is this gentleness and support and love out there. I want that. I want to know that there is this unsaid understanding and acceptance. That there is someone who supports me in a way that these families do.
Some days I think...a big family. How do I find that person? How do I find the right woman, who opens her heart and her home to those around her, gently supports the people in their life. Gives more than she receives. How do we find each other?
Some days I'm okay with the idea that, maybe it's not in the cards for me. Maybe because I grew up so alone and isolated it means I'm not going to find the depth of connection I so crave and need. Maybe I'm always going to feel like an outsider, and that's okay. It doesn't need to feel lonely. I could have a beautiful home in the forest, peaceful mornings on the porch, and cool evenings in front of a fire. I have books and music and art.
Some days, more and more now, I really do want to be a mother. Even if it's just me. Have the chance to raise a child to feel supported and loved unconditionally, watch them become their own person, with their own challenges and struggles. Be there for them in the way I needed so badly, for so long.